Posted: March 19, 2015 in Life, Relationships

I get home every evening, drop my luggage (if any), step into the bathroom to wash my hands, God knows what I’ve touched all day, and after stepping out, i reach for a white hand towel just outside the door. 
As I wipe my hands, the short 2-day memory recollects in my head. How her smile reminded me of Fiona Gallagher’s similar smile, how she blushed as I asked her out for coffee while handing her my card, how surprised she was when i confirmed my interest in her unlike other flirts who had met her before.
The hour-long conversation we had that felt like it was just 5 minutes and how i slept content that i had clinched the affection of someone special. It was never to be.
The rest, as they say, is not history. I’ll keep the souvenir Terry. I’ll keep it as a reminder of the affection that never blossomed.

Dear Diasporans…We Hate You!!

Posted: March 7, 2015 in Life

Let me tell you the truth as it is..WE HATE YOU! Yes we do! Why we hate you is as a result of self inflicted reasons, petty of course, and some induced by you people.

First of all let me make this clear: when i call you a Diasporan, you haven’t changed in status, nationality or in the way that i view you. You’re still that village boy i know, we grew up together, we wore tattered shorts with plenty of patches at the buttocks, we drove used tyres with two sticks on the sides, we played ‘bano’ with datura thorn fruits. You’re still that girl who used to fetch water at the river every evening after school, who we used to throw stones at the window to summon you for our adolescent rendezvous…you’re all still the same!

Why do we hate you? You infuriate us with your Diasporan stories. You bore us with the incessant comparisons you make…”In Dubai there’s no traffic, there’s no crime, there’s no garbage….in New York we never sleep, there’s a subway…blah blah blah” and the barrage continues. Damn!! How dumb are they that they fail to differentiate the simple basic fact about a 1st world and a 3rd world nation??

We hate you when you come and start bragging about your new-found style and culture, “ooh during thanksgiving we don’t eat turkey….oooh i went to the superbowl…” Please please spare us the details or make them as brief as possible…like one-word kind of brief!

We hate you because of self inflicted reasons like never having boarded a plane before, or not having an awesome life here at home, or because you take all the attention from us during that brief period when you’ve come home. We really hate you.

One quick question, why do you all have to broadcast your location in every social media update/post? I mean, back at home your Twitter or Facebook feeds had their location turned off and all of a sudden you’ve realized that it exists after you boarded that plane to another continent.

Finally this goes to my fellow boys (and the few girls) who are football fans; if you happen to go to the United States, come back home one day and start referring to football as soccer, i’ll FUCKIN KILL YOU!!!

PS: If you’re a Diasporan (or anticipating to be), it’s nothing personal. Cheers.

im horny and im okay with it…..

Posted: February 18, 2015 in Uncategorized


‘Horny’ friends, here i share with you..

Originally posted on humourstories:

I hate growing up. Why?

You see, back then when I was horny and had low standards I could afford to hit on any girl.

“yo, what are you doing tonight? Come through!” was the punch line.

Its disgusting to think that I had such standards but its testament to where I was in life.

When you are that type of dude, you attract a particular type of girl. The type whose life is fast paced, erratic and involves a lot of alcohol coupled with trying to discover her sexuality. There is totally nothing wrong with that….. Well except….

Being what I now call ‘non direction horny’ went like this on a typical day. “hey sweetie? How are you doing? I have some vodka at my place… Wanna come and help me finish it?” to which she would oblige.

This meant that I had to shop for vodka, fake clean…

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Posted: February 17, 2015 in Life

For making life all about me
For being who i am
For being who i want to be
For staying on course on the path to self betterment
For not compromising on what i don’t feel like i shouldn’t
For doing simple things the way i do them
For choosing to turn down your invitation so i can babysit my 40″ smart TV
For choosing to watch that which i feel will be of interest to me and not just because everyone else is watching it
For only watching Blue Ray or high resolution video even if i have to wait months into its release
For deciding to go home on a Friday evening instead of joining others on ‘dunda’
For becoming old at heart and baby faced on the looks
For listening to country pop/rock when others sang praises about one Meek Mill and some J Cole
For choosing to be less social and court my introverted self
For everything i can’t write here because my fingers have started itching from typing on this WordPress android app

Originally posted on humourstories:

“I think she is the one…. Maybe she is just playing hard to get. I think ill try harder” I said to my friends on a drunk Friday night. Its crazy how we always talk about philosophy and female prospects when we are getting wasted. I genuinely liked Annie though.

She was cute, mysterious, principled and I just couldn’t figure her out. I became that guy who was secretly in love, stalking her Instagram at 3 a.m during my night pee induced insomnia. (dont tell me that I’m the only one who has done this)

“yo… What’s up” I’d text her on the next day after my insomnia stalking.

No reply. I’d be looking at my phone wondering what wrongs I had done.

Did I spell wrong?
Is ‘yo’ considered too ghetto?
Did I brush my teeth before sending that text?
Maybe I need cleaner boxers?

Three hours later I’d…

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Maybe..just maybe

Posted: January 25, 2015 in Life, Relationships

Maybe, just maybe it was her and not me. It doesn’t add up (it does scientifically but that’s not the point). Everything fitted perfectly like a jigsaw. That conversation put everything into perspective, at least in my mind.

Maybe she was scared about my awesomeness, my eloquence, my swift flowing humor (i confirmed that that day) etc etc. This list is endless to say. How else can you explain it?

Maybe, just maybe it’s all in my head.


Posted: January 19, 2015 in Life, Relationships


My friend posted the above picture in a chat group and it was quite funny. What i came to confirm was that it was true to the core.

I met this lady at a retail store, very beautiful. Her name so beautiful I’m tempted to use it here but i won’t. Her eyes talked to me in a way. Her smile summoned me closer & closer to her. Her hair was just flawless (as a guy would see it). When i spoke to her she was very warm & eloquent. We even exchanged numbers without any hustle.

We held a very mature conversation when i called her, words were flowing effortlessly in my mind i was my own Shakespear, humor intertwined in between. We laughed, we taunted each other lightly, all that in a less-than-an hour conversation. Man, i was in heaven. I started picturing her in ‘our’ home. I even saw the face of ‘our’ beautiful daughter, the daughter I’ve always wanted for a first born, running around the house. I built all the castles that could ever be built throughout the night.

A follow-up call the next day brought me back to reality. Phone calls were not being answered, text messages went un-replied. I was torn between calling it the silent treatment or the no-replying treatment (it it even exists). Taking a trip down Whatsapp lane and BAM!! A new profile picture displaying her all cozy in some guy’s arms. Reality check x15!!!!! Well what can i say…i was left undoing the damage that awesome phone conversation did to my head.

All in all these female species are just some unpredictable lot. I think that should be added onto the chemical properties in the above picture (on a light note).